Motherhood – blowing off some steam. The one about where my son doesn’t speak French

How do we do it? How is it that we have been parenting for millions of year and yet it is still so hard. Surely we should have nailed parenthood by now? Billions of parents, millions of years experience and yet it is still so hard!

I wish there were an off button. You know in a binary kind of way. Did you try switch it off and logging it on again?! And then your laptop miraculously regain consciousness (most of the time). You can never log of motherhood, can you?

So here I am, it is Saturday. My son is off with his dad for a week. I have one week to blow off some steam before going back to “nailing” single motherhood again. Because you know, to quote my friends and colleagues “I don’t know how you do it, you such a strong women”. Hum… thanks for the vote of confidence guys, no really. It is nice to hear but let me let you in on a little secret. I don’t know how I do it either. Most of the time I try to navigate between my needs and my son needs without knowing which one should is hierarchically most important. It sucks.

Mostly I have to fight the constant feeling that I could do better at motherhood. My son is nearly 7 year old now. He understands French but it doesn’t speak it. Oh my god do you know how many times I have heard people telling me what I should do? As if it is MY fault my son doesn’t speak French? Guys I am doing my best so BACK OFF! I need support not constant challenge on how I am managing motherhood. I know, I know… They mean well. I am just tired. Plus I feel guilty. Deep down I do feel it is my fault.
“You should speak french to him”
“I do”
” You just spoke English to him”
” True”
“That’s why he doesn’t speak french”
“OK. Thanks for the advice.”

See how I no longer try to justify myself? It took me years to understand, there is no point. Even if I am boiling inside. Even if I want to tell the world how much I do, to help my son being fluent in French. Even if I want to tell them how proud I am that he understands French. I certainly didn’t when I was 6 years old. Plus I really don’t need them to tell this in front of him. I don’t want him to think he is an under achiever. Because he is not. I don’t want him to think his mum should do better. Because she does the best she can.
“You should put him to French school”
“When?”
“After school”
“How? I work full time. I have no family here. How do I take him to french class in the afternoon?”
“You should take an after school nanny”
“I can’t afford it”
“Ah. Then you should take him on Saturday mornings”
“He has got swimming class and capoiera. “
“Can’t he do it another day?”
“No, I work full time.”
“You should ask the parents of one his classmates.
“I don’t know them. He is the first in at breakfast club and the last out at the play centre. When I bump in one of them at the weekend, they look at me as if I were some kind of mystical being who they doubted even existed. Plus these things rely on mutual arrangements, I work full time. I can pick up there child at 6 pm, that’s about it. It won’t work.”

See why I don’t SAY anything anymore? Because, it did not help the matter and it ended up in an awkward silence. You know why I need to WRITE it? Because deep down it still affect me. Some part of me still wish I could do better. So if you are reading this and feel exactly like me… Let me tell you something, you are AMAZING!

#blowingoffsomesteam #bekind