As I am looking at my 5 years old taking a bite out his well deserved blueberry muffin after his swimming class, I contemplate how much has happened in this past 5 years. There are thousands of books telling you how to be a parent but let’s be honest… they teach you the theory but you have to find your own way. Each child, each parent is different.
Parenthood is a long arduous journey. In my experience, all mums just want to be perfect mums. They love their little bundle of joy so much, they just want to give them everything they can and more! There is the rub , when you are a single mum “all you can give” does not necessary match what you had ingrained in your mind. It can takes days, weeks, months or years to accept it and move on. It took me years!
Short of a traditional family with a mum and a dad to raise their child together under one roof, it is crucial to have your extended family around to support you when you trip, you doubt, you struggle. It is only natural to struggle, sleep-deprivation is a wicked thing. I have been told, I have been warned, I thought I was prepared. I was wrong… When I had my son, I flew back to France to lick my wounds, regain some strengths and come back to get back my place in society. Little did I know.
I remember, I remember that day when I spoke to a couple a single mums who said with an enigmatic smile « It will be tough but it will worth it ». I was a little taken back. All I wanted to hear was « don’t worry, you’ll be just fine »… 7 months after having my son I flew back to London very frail, with a few boxes and full of hopes. I did consider staying in France. I mean that where I was raised, where my family lived and I still had a few wonderful friends but… but I did not want to feel that my son stopped me to do what I wanted to do. I love London, I do. I wanted to share that live I had shaped myself with him.
I now look back to this time and I think how naive I was. Yes, I have amazing friends and a very supportive family. And I will be eternally grateful to those of them who stick around at my worst. To be fair I couldn’t quite ask them to stop their lives to help me when things where tough. Though I thought I could for a few months… So I had to learn, learn to be tough and self-sufficient.
Since I started working I never struggled with money. I was not wealthy but I certainly lived a comfortable life. Restaurants, Theatre and exciting trips … I took all that for granted! It was the kind of life I wanted for my son . But I was looking at my life-time saving melting away to pay for my son’s nursery fees, I realised he will not have that. Now I know it is OK but it took me a long time to think that way. For months I was just disappointed with myself for not being able to offer my son what my friends children had.
I grew up in south of France and when I arrive in London I was in awe with what London has to offer. I still am. I never quite realised how lucky I was to experience all this. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot you can experience in London on your own with a baby in tow but it takes a lot of determination, organisation and an once of sheer madness. Now I pace myself, I do a little less that I use to in the early year. I am kind to myself and allow me time to recuperate. Plus my son is older so it helps.
Then there is work. How can you work full time with a young son when you are on your own with no family to help? The answer is « with difficulties». I really had to prioritise my household needs i.e: mine and mini-me. Not all companies will offer you the flexibility you need. It is just the way it is. I tried not to take it too personally and just moved on. Truth is it took me a while to understand it was not hing personal.
And there is friendship. I have felt guilty for so long – still does – for not giving time to my friends. Being the needy one for years, never being able to give back. Truth is like all parents – not just single parents – you see your circle of friends becoming scarcer. With a hourly rate of £8 to £10 per hours to get a baby sitter, I can not afford one very often. Usually only when there is a work commitment. I can brunch but my son has to come, you can come to my home and share my food as well as my company. That is just the way it is. Of course I’d love to go come to all these exciting ventures that I still (sometimes) get invited to but I am a single mum and something got to got. At least for now.
Five years on and I am so much stronger and determined. All I had to do is to “to keep calm and carry on”. Not looking at what I didn’t have but what I have. I remember reading an article on gingerbread. JK Rowling was sharing her experience a a single parent and the very precious words of her daughter “I never knew we were poor. I just remember being happy.’ It really struck a chord. That was I was aiming for. So these five years have not been easy. I think work and finances were the most difficult aspect of things. When my son was away my flat has been cold at times. I had my share of bronchitis and laryngitis and ate a lot of pasta without the fancy stuff but I am OK.
My little man looks at me with his eyes full of joy. We leave the leisure centre coffee shop and he hops on his push scooter happy and full of live. I might not have been able to give him all the material things I wanted to give him but I gave him all my heart and I could not be prouder of him (or me…)
